Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
