I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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