Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
