Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
