hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
