My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
