He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
