I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
