He passed out mid-signature
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
