just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
