They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
