Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
