There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
