If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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