I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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