wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
