Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
he thought i was a dude.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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