i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
