My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
