i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
