this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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