i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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