just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
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Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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