Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
