I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
