there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
