He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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