I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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