I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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