I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
