Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We are all done wearing pants today
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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