u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
