Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
