you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
