At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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