If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
