I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so explain again why im purple
no
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
