She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
