I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
