can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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