So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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