My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
