I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
