And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
How does one acquire holy water?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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