I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
