I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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