You made me cry and you don't even care
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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