Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
