you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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