Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Soap is not a condiment
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
