If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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