Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
