my vag is so smooth its legendary
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize