You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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