you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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