I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
