i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
