I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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