Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
