hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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