I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
