Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
