i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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