I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
