question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
